We are destined to fail, fated to fall and hopelessly outgunned. We are the architects of our own demise.
I can’t help myself. I’m thinking about what life was like before all this, before cell phones and the internet. I don’t pretend to know what your doing or feeling, or how you cope with all that life throws at you. I don’t even know if I even care anymore. Being empathetic in an evil world is not without its problems. The traits of others are injected into me, and I wear your lunacy like a tattoo on my forehead for all to see.
Bad dreams, and a bitter cup of coffee tend to rub me the wrong way.
Also, I lied because ultimately I really do care what you think. I am concerned with how you deal with the world; bitter dreams and a cup of coffee, a stitch in time that flails about aimlessly in its waking hour, and a heart that bubbles over.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s real, and what’s fake. It seems to always circle back to having a cleaner set of concrete goals… my own personal set list of what to do, and more importantly, who to be.
With this in mind, I’ve set out on a mini adventure to identify a few easy questions with definite, easy to follow answers. Identifiers that might actually help bring more focus into my own life. Maybe then I can affect a more positive change on my own personal timeline, and get to where I really need to be.
‘Leave the station and the train behind, and just walk away like Siddhartha did so long ago.’-Blabpipe
The following is what I came up with (for me):
1) Are you hollow inside?
Kinda. This question has risen to number one because the more I contemplate it, the more unclear it becomes.
Hollow inside (a really goodBuzzcockssong by the way) can mean so many things. Empty. Unfulfilled. Drained. Emotions are what we straddle and ride every day, and most times, its what rides us like the horses from all those John Wayne movies in the days of old. It’s a tough one to pin down, but I think it’s an important one to ask.
Are you hollow inside?
For me, I’m sticking with kinda until that day comes along that I can answer it with greater brevity.
2) Are you where you want to be?
Nope, not even close.
This question only deals with – location, location location! Because I’m isolating it to just where you are physically located – it’s a much easier one to answer.
I’m in the northeast, but I was reared in the south. I’m so far away from everything I once knew that it’s surprising to me that I can manage to walk and talk on my own. Flatly put: I’d like to go home now. I’d like to get back to what I term normalcy. There are however circumstances way beyond my control that prevent this, and that’s the way it is for me… for now.
3) Are you doing what you want to do?
Most assuredly, yes.. and no.
I’m a physicist and a musician, and to accomplish both in this 3rd world economy (whole other topic) that the United States has become in the last 10 years – is damn near impossible, and completely unreachable. I wasn’t born with the right spoon. You know? The silver or gold one, the types that shine in the sunlight. More on point, it was wooden.. and had lots of splinters.
A physicist with no lab, and a musician with no record label (yet).
My answer from above refers to the fact that I still pursue both on my own, with very few rewards other than the feelings of accomplishment over every creation I bring into life – and if I can skip being humble for the moment, I’m very creative. If you doubt this, you can investigate the music part further here.
But I digress.
Identify what it is that you want to be doing, and check it against what you’re doing now. You’ll probably find that you’re in the same boat with most of us; the one that’s sinking slowly.
It comes down to what I said earlier about the horrible state our country has been thrust into. I’m sure to blog (and soon) about what slaves we’ve all become.
4) Are you with who you want to be with?
Absolutely.
This one they can’t regulate or take from you. It’s your choice. The slave still chooses who to be associated with in the fields, and only when the overseer has barged in and hauled away another slave can this be stopped.
Choose wisely who you want to be with because it matters.
5) Are you who you want to be?
Yes.
I am who I am, and most days… that’s more than enough.
Not sure what else I can add to that, except maybe…
It somehow puts into boxes all we now live without, or possibly have long since lost within; a stolen moment in time.
Just enough that it caught fire, while you stood erect in a checkout line. That sweet, solitary evening in the back seat of your car, and you never noticed the stars that lay dormant, and chilled by your waist side.
‘I can not yet stand motionless in time, but I’d like to try it someday.’ -Crandew
As my good friend Ayn Rand would say, ‘we are who we think we are.’ Or was that the Green Goblin that said that?
…and stay silent about everything you hold dear. Our voices leave us when pressed, and I believe this to be true.
‘Gone are the days, in a frightening blue haze, where nothing could ever seem real. An immaculate man who made castles from sand, and could see that the end was so near. I watched through my window alone. Nobody bothered to phone.’
I wrote that 20 years ago, and it still drips from the faucet with tiny droplets of truth spilling out towards the drain.
Today, we shut up about everything. We dare not speak of how bad life has become. We stay off topic when it comes to our overlords, our kings and our overseers.
Shock marketing has become a way of life. The internet allows us to connect, and stay silent. You know, I just read that lemmings (the little dudes that follow each other over the cliff) really don’t follow each other over the cliff. It was all made up in Hollywood, and has become one of the many erroneous myths we live by.
We are the silent masses, with the brightest future that can be found while lingering quietly in a burnt out bulb.
Crandew 
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